The Conversation

I wrote this short story in college a few years ago.

The Conversation

“You’re running late.”

James looked just as relaxed as he always did as he sat at the same corner table he shared most days with Jess. He knew the thirty something year old woman wouldn’t mind his pointing out the obvious to his friend.

“I had to talk to Professor Smith for a minute” the woman answered.

“Trouble?”

“No, not really. I just felt there was a question on the quiz we took that wasn’t really worded right. I get that classes need to teach to the mainstream, but sometimes I wish teachers would remember that not everyone is cishet” the woman replied.

“Oh, sorry. You ready for spring break?” James asked.

The sun was shining through the cafeteria window at his back. A small bead of perspiration was beginning to gather on his left temple, though one might argue as to whether those two facts were related. The man had hardly touched his tray of food, knowing today was going to be anything but typical.

“I have one paper I need to write, but other than that I’m ready.”

“Anything interesting?” James continued.

“A brief summary of Rogerian Psychology.”

James liked the woman he shared his lunch hour with. Some days, she was the only reason he bothered coming to the college. She was his best friend, after all. They had met some three years prior, at a party thrown by someone neither really knew that well. Of course, Jess’s name was different back then, though he forced himself to not think about what it had been. Over the next few months, the two became friends, but then the woman’s life went in a different direction. He was the first person Jess came out to. James was so proud of her for taking control of her life and encouraged her by standing next to her every day, sometimes as her friend, sometimes as her over-protective brother, and sometimes just as that someone she could always get a hug from when she needed one.

“I’m going fishing on the coast for a few days. Nag’s head, maybe, but I haven’t decided” the man continued.

“That sounds fun.”

James felt the butterflies in his stomach in an instant. Things were going too perfectly, and that was starting to make him worry. Still, he was a bit scared, though his mind wasn’t really sure of what.

“You still like to fish, don’t you?” James asked.

The question made him begin to shake ever so slightly. Frantically, he poked at a piece of carrot cake in the corner of his tray, knowing the activity would ensure Jess wouldn’t notice.

“I love to fish, but I’ve never… I mean since transition…”

“Well, first of all, it’s spring, not summer, so you probably won’t be wearing a swimsuit.”

James’ tone retreated to his safe place, one of sarcasm. He knew all the pieces of the chess game he was playing were in place, and the time to commit was at hand. But the game, he well knew, could be won or loss in a single move.

“Where would we stay? I’m not sleeping in the car.”

The man could feel his heartbeat suddenly increase in tempo. His friend had done for him what he was trying to figure out how to do himself, invite the woman on the trip.

“It’s the off season, so rooms are pretty cheap right now. You wouldn’t even have to pay, since I’m going either way.”

Time suddenly stood still. James had all but showed the woman all his cards. He was unaware of his left leg as it started bouncing off the floor. Every word he had spoken in the last few minutes suddenly rushed through his mind as he tried to decide if and when he had made a fatal mistake.

“Um, we’ve been best friends for a long time, but… is there something I’m missing here?” Jess asked moments later.

In the few years prior to that moment, the two of them had spent a lot of time together, but always in activities that were clearly those of friends, but no more. James had always been the best friend he knew how to be to the woman, but there were times when his support of her seemed like rhetoric as much as anything. In life, however, there are times when rhetoric and truth come face to face. James knew that this was one of those times. His heart braced for what would come next, knowing he had come to the edge of the abyss of his own self-doubt. He had to make a choice, and he had to make it with the next words out of his mouth.

“So… I thought it would be a nice way to ask you to be my girlfriend.”

His heart raced. He could feel the heat as his cheeks undoubtedly turned red. The man felt as though he might pass out as his breathing grew shallow and his stomach turned knots. The decision to be honest was perhaps the most difficult he had ever made, though he felt guilty for feeling that way. Jess was a woman, in spite of what his memories sometimes told him.

There was a long silence at the table as Jess poked awkwardly at a cherry tomato that seemed to dislike the prospect of being pierced by her fork. The fact that her hand was trembling added to the difficulty of her task. Jess had not thought about her friend that way, but then again, she hadn’t thought about anyone that way. Her life just seemed easier if she ignored that portion of her life. She knew other transgender women who seemed mired in a cycle of want and rejection, and she had always opted to just avoid the whole awkward situation. But now, in the cafeteria lunchroom, words her soul longed to hear were waiting for her reply.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

She was careful to not lift her eyes from her tray. Jess knew that if she made eye contact, the tears welling up in her eyes would begin to roll down her cheeks. If she had learned nothing else about womanhood in the past few years, it was that tears and makeup don’t mix. Still, the moment was real, her feelings were real, and what was happening was real.

“Jess, I have a confession to make. I’ve always accepted you for who you say you are, but maybe that hasn’t been as true as it should be. You’re pretty, you’re smart, and you’re a wonderful human being. I can’t stop thinking about you. There are a few things we probably would have to work out, but just a few. I just know there isn’t another person in the entire world I could see myself growing old with. Forgive me for taking so long to see that” came James’ reply.

“Do you really mean that?” the woman asked.

For the first time in several long moments, the woman lifted her eyes from her tray to make eye contact with her companion. The tears came, but there was a look of determination on the woman’s face. Only then did she notice a table with three women next to them had been listening in on their conversation. Rather than feeling annoyed, she garnered strength from them, as though they were a jury before which facts were being determined.

James stood up and looked around the room for a long moment, panning the room full of their peers. With a deep breath, he decided on the way he would communicate his answer.

“Kiss me.”

A long moment later, Jess noticed the three girls at the table next to theirs were wiping gently at the corner of their eyes. The verdict was in. The facts were established. The new couple never did finish their lunch. Hand in hand, they left the cafeteria, knowing the both were changed from who they were moments before.