Have you ever stopped to consider how different your life would be if you were not the person you are today? Can you imagine how different life would seem if you viewed the world from another person’s perspective? Under ordinary circumstances, one could only imagine the answer to this question. For me, however, life has been anything but ordinary. As a transgender woman, I have had the unique opportunity of seeing the world from two perspectives. First, I previously lived my life as a man. I should point out that I have always been a woman, though coming to terms with that truth has been a long and difficult journey for me. Prior to coming to understand my correct gender identity, I viewed the world much in the same way most men do. For the past year and a half, however, I have lived my life as the woman I truly am. Now that I see the world through female eyes, each interaction I experience in the world around me has drawn me to an unanticipated realization: The life a man experiences is very different than the life a woman experiences. When one examines how a man’s experiences in day to day life differ from a woman’s experiences, one can learn a great deal about the world as a whole.
To begin with, when I lived as a man, I was never really aware of how biased society was towards the desires of men, nor could I see how disinterested society was in the opinions of women. I am a bit embarrassed that I used to embrace phrases like “a man and his wife.” I felt I had a duty to instill in my daughters that they would not be complete until they had a husband in their life. I wholeheartedly believed the mantra “a woman’s place is in the home.” After all, I had always been taught that women did not have the mental fortitude required to make the big decisions that govern the world. That the opinion of a woman was considered less relevant than the opinion of a man certainly worked in my favor, so I simply accepted the notion.
In contrast, let us consider my life now that I am living in my correct gender. I now realize just how unfair society is to women. Would I now seek to put myself under the thumb of a man? The thought of relinquishing my right to self determined direction in my life is abhorrent to me. While I do not deny my desire to have a man in my life, I have no intention of allowing that person to be anything more, or less, than my equal. However, I quickly discovered men oftentimes do not fancy women who buck the system. In fact, my very first date with a man ended in the same hour in which we met. From the very beginning of our time together, I quickly discovered how he had envisioned our evening would go. We would eat at a restaurant of his choosing, then watch a movie he had wanted to see. My date even made a point of hinting at his idea of how the evening would end, presenting this information in a way that suggested a sense of entitlement based on the fact that he would be picking up the check. In that moment of humiliation, I quickly learned how very different life would be for me living as a woman.
Next, society has gone to great lengths to ensure men are comfortable. I do not begrudge this fact in general, but I have discovered there is a great incongruity in how products are designed for men in comparison to how they are designed for women. This is most evident in the fashion industry. In my old life, the matter of getting dressed was little more than five minutes of effort. With the donning of a comfortable pair of khakis and a pullover shirt, along with a pair of loafers, I was ready for all but the most formal of affairs. When I did take the time to wear something more formal, perhaps a suit and tie, I found myself showered in compliments for taking the time to dress so nicely.
However, as a woman, I can say with great certainty that comfort has little to do with how I leave my home. For example, I find wearing a brassiere uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as the stares I get from strangers when I opt to forgo wearing the garment. I can certainly wear a pair of jeans, but only if they are tight enough to limit my movement and sometimes my ability to breathe. How can I possibly not see the unfairness in being expected to wear more expensive clothing all the time just to be thought of as being acceptable? Most of all, I miss the old days of wearing comfortable shoes. If you have not walked up the twenty two steps of the courthouse in the town in which I currently live while wearing four inch heels, you may not realize just how little regard was given to the comfort of women when the building was designed.
Third, I have discovered that society deals with the issue of reputation very differently when considering men versus women. For men, a reputation of achievement is everything. Men are admired for how much money they make, how much property they own, and how many women they conquer. I was taught from the time I was born that the measure of success of a man is his ability to provide for the women and children in his life. On the surface that assumption may seem a worthwhile attitude, but all too often men have used this sentiment as an excuse for bad behavior. Masculinity has become very toxic as generation after generation of men have tried to prove themselves to those who have come before.
Contrariwise, a woman who dares ask for the same wage as a man is called domineering. There is always a presumption that a woman who owns a corporation or a large estate did so by marriage or inheritance. That less that ten percent of Fortune 500 CEOs are women is widely understood. Competition amongst males is already intense, so allowing women to join the fray is unthinkable to most men. This prejudice is why so few women are ever given the opportunity to prove themselves capable of higher responsibility in a male dominated society. For each successful woman, there are a handful of men with bruised egos. That bruising carries over to other interactions between the sexes as well. One need only consider how women are viewed should they choose to enjoy the company of more than one man. A man feels his validity as a male is being challenged by any woman who is less than completely fulfilled by what he alone brings to the table or to the bed.
Next, I have noticed men are allowed to shirk observing the tenets of reproductive rights and responsibilities. All too often, when a man finds himself infected with a sexually transmitted disease, the blame is put on whomever he had spent intimate time with. Promiscuity is a label that is all to infrequently placed upon men. Most males can also walk away from a chance encounter after a long night of drinking without bearing the responsibility of an untoward pregnancy. To add insult to injury, when a man is found culpable in such cases, there is an outcry as to how unfair his being held financially responsible for the child is.
As a transgender woman, I do not have to fear an unwanted pregnancy, but that leeway does not mean I do not have to concern myself with sexually transmitted diseases. Like most women, I am expected to provide a way of mitigating this risk. If a woman has the forethought of bringing some form of protection, she is still faced with the task of convincing their partner to agree to use it. Even when these hurdles are overcome, many mistakes still happen. Many women are shamed for having a child out of wedlock, oftentimes without considering there was a man involved to begin with. Indeed, one would have overlook the obvious to not see how the engineering of our society was designed by men. You do not believe this assertion? Let us consider the fact that most medical insurance policies would not pay for birth control prior to the Affordable Care Act, which was signed into law in 2010, and yet those same policies had provisions for erectile dysfunction medications, such as Viagra, starting in 1998, the year the drug first became available. The message sent by observing this disparity is all too clear: Our society is more concerned with ensuring men can enjoy intimacy on demand while the desires of women simply do not matter.
Finally, I have discovered the overall mental load placed on men is far more manageable. In my old life, I certainly tried to be responsible. There were bills to pay, after all. As the man of the house, I had been taught that the burden of responsibility for ensuring my family had all they required to survive fell to me. I remember coming home from my job each evening with the expectation of being appreciated for all that I did. We had a house, a car, and plenty of groceries. I felt my contribution to our family stood majestically over the trivial chores my former wife performed.
My life is so different now. I am a single woman facing the world alone. I abhor the notion of established gender roles in that they perpetuate the reality of toxic masculinity. However, for the sake of clarity, please allow me to point out that I have to fulfill the traditional role of both a male and a female in my life now. I still have to make a living. I still have to pay my bills. However, my mental load does not end there. I have laundry to tend to and dinner to cook. When was that car insurance due again? Oh dear, I have forgotten I had a doctors appointment earlier in the day. My parakeets are squawking. Did I forget to buy more bird seed when I went shopping today? My life has become infinitely more complex as a woman. I can see very plainly how, even if I did have a life partner, my mental load is simply much greater now.
My experiences are my own. How I was taught as a child still affects how I view the world around me today. Am I suggesting my observations are absolute? Obviously, the answer to that question is no. The experiences of each transgender person are their own. I am happy to say there is certainly more flexibility in society today with regard to gender roles. I take this encouraging truth as a sign that mankind is continuing to evolve and for the better. However, we still cannot overlook the many ways in which life is so very different for men and women. In spite of the fact that the first part of my life was very uncomfortable for me, I count myself fortunate to have lived as both male and female. As a result of my experiences, I believe I have a better understanding of the world around me. I believe with my entire being that I am a better human, not because I am a woman, but because I understand we all need to work towards creating a society where no gender is considered superior to another.
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